Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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