dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
