If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
