I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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