Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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