Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize