i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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