So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
