You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
