My room smells like vodka and shame
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
