So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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