i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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