....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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