apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
