Non-Jews are for practice
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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