Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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