she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I smell stomach acid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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