I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
bring money and cleavage
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
