I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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