I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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