Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
