can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
