the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.