i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
