You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
