tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
