TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
