He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
