I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
