That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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