If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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