I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
