Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Randomize
