I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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