i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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