walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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