this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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