Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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