Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
