he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
