I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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