Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
