You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
