A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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