im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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