My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
