Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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