"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
