Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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