I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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