gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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