well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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