If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
