It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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