so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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