apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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