The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
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Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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