Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(281): View more from Texas

ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

(214): View more from Texas

Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner

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(619): View more from California

TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.

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