You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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