So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
