Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
