This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
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Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
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after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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